Showing posts with label dear Kitty. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dear Kitty. Show all posts

10 December 2016

I don't know why you're listening to me...



The subtlety of my argument is guaranteed to irritate you. My argument is not subtle for that reason, and it irritates me that subtlety is the problem that stands between us and an understanding. But I will not cede that ground to you.

Small things are large, and it's not my problem that you can't see that.

It has always been, and it always will be, your problem. Even when, and as, I always lose.

19 June 2016

My Problem



Hi. I wanted to explore some of my problems. This won't take up much of your time, but that is my problem.


My Problem


My problem isn't you, my problem is me.


I want you to listen for more then thirty seconds or 250 characters. That's MY problem.


My problem is that I want you to not get bored when it's not about you.


My problem is that I want you to enjoy nuance, difference, difficulty, and long sentences, inclusive of commas and semicolons.


My problem is that you fear the unfamiliar.


MY problem is that you neither know what you want nor have ever explored why you want it.


I don't care why you're overwhelmed by your job, my problem is that you are overwhelmed by the fact that you're overwhelmed by your job, don't have the tools to talk about it, and pretend that you are not and that you do.


My problem is that you are so afraid of the truth about your life that you cling to demonstrably absurd "truths" about your life that hurt and destroy others, daily, rather than consider any alternative.


These are my problems.


What are your problems?

03 December 2015

"Don't freak out, bitch. Just be Steve, Gay Anthropologist!"



I, too, am a notebook guy at the freak show, or, as I say of myself at circuit parties: "Don't freak out, bitch. Just be Steve, Gay Anthropologist!"

This is what I do now in the world that has become a circuit party. I don't go to circuit parties, I don't need to. The world is a circuit party I haven't been invited to.

Mostly, I just want to apologize to the other species stuck on this planet with us while we circle the fucking drain. DOLPHINS, CRUSTACEANS, BEES, BATS, BUTTERFLIES, and BIRDS! I'M SORRY WE'RE TAKING YOU DOWN WITH US! I'M REALLY SORRY!

Try to feel as I do, that the planet will heal after we're gone. We can't kill the planet. We can't kill the planet. After the various other species have achieved ascendance and recreated-rediscovered poetry over and over again and done a better job than we ever did, after that, when this planet is a burnt-out cinder circling a sun about to nova, we won't even be a memory.

Remember that, Donald Trump--and the rest of you fucktard idiots--not even the insects will trouble themselves to ever even remember, or know, you ever even fucking existed, you vile excrement.

And that's all we have time for! HAVE A GREAT DAY! :o)




Now. Watch this shit:



06 August 2015

Top Car, Freeze Car, Fremont, OH



Top Car, Freeze Car, Fremont, OH

We ran up the hill.
Car from the top:
We all must race down;
Car from the bottom:

Froze us still:
Top car: freeze car.
At the top of the
Hill lay an unused

Rail track; the bottom:
Gramma's house, but
Also beyond. The boundaries
Were moveable and

Moved. The Elders often
Played with us.
The ghost of my
Future, forty-seven-

Year-old self yells, "Run,
Run, you motherfuckers!
Run!" They don't listen.
They don't know any

Better. How could
They? Those Widmans,
Those Elders, running,
Or not running, up

Or down, Park Avenue.
Run up, make a left
And go direct to
Spiegel Grove and

The Hayes Museum: hills
Full of snow for sledding
In the memories of
Our parents' parents. Ohio.

Our parents lived far
Outside of town, where
There was no sledding
Only flat Ohio, work,

Work, fields, words, grapes,
Cows, and popcorn. I
Return to that house in Fremont:
My mother kissing my

Grandfather goodbye on
The porch, the railing
Hardly higher, now, than my
Knee, in a picture, on

Her wedding day, in
My mind. I wander that
House, in my dreams,
While trying to fall

Asleep; my grand-
Mother's mind, so simple,
So full of snapdragons;
Pink, home-made apple

Sauce, hot in the bowl at
Dinner; lemon meringue
Pies; marbles popping in
The kettle; basement dirt floor;

Lightning rods, glass spheres;
Fourteen, hand-sewn, Christmas
Stockings lining the dark,
Shiny stair rail; fireflies; attic

Stairs; old prom dresses
In a musty trunk; her mind, so
Huge, so much bigger
Than us: so loving and

Careful: a structure,
Far-reaching, far bigger
Than the Internet.
I can't tell where her

Mind leaves off and
Mind begins. My
Aunt mentioned she
Was a worrier before

Her funeral--and so
We all are, we
Widmans. Fear
Is Love. Love

Is Space. Space
Is Time. She
Loves us
Now, here. I

Walk this
House, now. I.
I, I, I, I.
I.

L. Steve Schmersal, Top Car; Freeze Car, Fremont, OH, July 2015





19 June 2015

On the Melancholy of Los Angeles





It was the second time I'd flown into LAX.

The day was late, the sun was setting, and the plane pulled itself across the low sky over countless suburban ranch houses, each with a single, very tall palm tree in the front yard, each palm like an enormous Bob-Barker microphone.



The sky was orange and blue, the light was all-golden, and all I could think about was of the countless beautiful people who had come to Los Angeles to be movie stars, didn't, met each other, moved into homes like these, and had beautiful children. It was the most dire pronouncement on humanity, and it suddenly made me feel an undefinable emotion for this town of dreams, this town of broken dreams.

I had thought that town was New York. I know New York really is the town of broken dreams, now--they are different dreams, though, broken in different ways for different dreamers of different dreams--but then, I condescended to this other proposition, which I still, by the way, believe, entirely. "Los Angeles" just means "The Angels," it is only its proximity to English that we feel it to be the city of lost angels. Which, of course, it very much is, as well.

The capital of the 19th Century was Paris--they say (Walter Benjamin may have been the first)--and New York, the capital of the 20th. Los Angeles was foretold to be the capital of the 21st. I think we all know this optimism was misplaced. The capital of the 21st Century will be outside the United States, probably in China, or some other sleeping giant our leaders have neglected to identify correctly. It wouldn't be the first time and it certainly won't be the last. I digress.


The first time I came to LA, it was to visit two friends who lived there. I visited the same friends the second time, as well, several years later. The first time was in the late 1990s, and I stayed with an ex, sleeping on the couch, at his basement apartment in (the, to me, ironically-enough named) Manhattan Beach--he and his boyfriend had sex on the bed next to the couch on the second morning, which I slept through. The three of us went to a West Hollywood bar, so I could take in the local fauna: a place where I, quite literally, looked like no one else--long hair, beard, an old, black Ohio State tank top, chest hair. I don't think I ever felt so completely invisible in my life, so studiously I was ignored. Recounting it later, for years, I dismissively described the experience by saying I had "too much texture" for LA. I now think that assessment was completely wrong for being so correct. The only person I didn't know who engaged with me was a doctor from New Orleans on a tour of California hospitals and cities, looking for a new world after his residency. Reader, he ended up in San Francisco, but to tell you how I know that would require another paragraph I'm unwilling to write, but I will say that I never saw or had contact with him again.

After these minor mis-non-adventures, I stayed with the other friend, a lawyer from Akron I met in Chicago, who lived in Beverly Hills. It was he who told me that LA would be the capital of the 21st Century, as he drove me around his city in his Cadillac one night, a gin and tonic in his lap. He was impressed that when stopping at a gas station, I cleaned his car windows with the station squeegee, while he filled his car tank. I felt like I was on the cover of a 1960s science fiction novel: a crashed spaceship, half submerged in the tundra of a dead planet under a black, starry sky. I left Los Angeles believing it to be the loneliest place on earth.


The third time I went to LA, my brother's wife was living there, with my brother. I was there for work, staying at an ornate and old, haunted hotel, where the first Oscars were held, in the neglected downtown. I was within walking distance of an amazing indoor market that has tons of produce, sea food, and many dead animals, all perfect for eating, and all at great prices. I had an interaction with a stranger in my huge hotel room, which proved unsatisfying. 

One night, a close friend and I went to visit my brother's wife and my brother at their home in the hills surrounding a park. After a time, we decided to go for a drive to, first, a favorite taco cart off an empty supermarket parking lot. Everything we ate was delicious. I got one tongue and one intestine taco. I wouldn't have had it any other way. 

Then we drove to a strange French/French-American restaurant, which was decorated more or less in the style of my parents' ancient Toledo Tudor house, circa 1976, only with a lot more deep reds in the palette--it was positively Medieval in the best of all possible ways. The food was great--we got frites and maybe something disgusting I would love--and drinks. A sessions-musicians band played classic rock with superb style. 

But the part I'm leaving out is what happened on the way. As the four of us wound down and up and around the hills around Echo Park, a fog clung to the tarmac; shrouded the lush, dark, tree branches, clinging like another layer of ghost-leaves upon the leaves; and hung as sheets on a line at every dip or decline in the road. The car windows were open and the air was cool, damp, succulent, full of spectres, and scented with some indefinable sense of danger. It was then that I remembered that Los Angeles is the mother of film noir. And I suddenly felt a rush of love for this strange, sad, fabulous, beautiful, spooky town of dreams and broken dreams.



And now, for the song.


Screenwriter's Blues

Exits to freeways twisted like knots
on the fingers
Jewels cleaving skin between
breasts

Your Cadillac breathes four hundred horses over blue lines
You are going to Reseda to make love to a model from Ohio
Whose real name
you don't know

You spin
like the Cadillac was overturning down a cliff 
on television

And the radio is on 
And the radioman is speaking
And the radioman says 
women were a curse
So men built 
Paramount studios
And men built 
Columbia studios

And men built 
Los Angeles

It is 5 a.m. 
and you are listening 
to Los Angeles

It is 5 a.m. 
and you are listening 
to Los Angeles

And the radioman says 
it is a beautiful night out there
And the radioman says
rock and roll lives
And the radioman says 
it is a beautiful night out there 
in Los Angeles
You live
in Los Angeles 
and you are going to Reseda
We are all in some way or another going to Reseda someday 
to die

And the radioman laughs 
because the radioman 
fucks a model, too

Gone savage 
for teenagers with automatic weapons and boundless love
Gone savage 
for teenagers who are aesthetically pleasing
In other words fly 
Los Angeles beckons
The teenagers 
to come 
to her 
on buses

Los Angeles loves love

It is 5 a.m. 
and you are listening to Los Angeles

It is 5 a.m. 
and you are listening to Los Angeles

I am going to Los Angeles 
to build a screenplay about
Lovers who murder each other

I am going to Los Angeles 
to see my own name on a screen
Five-feet-long and luminous

As the radioman says
it is 5 a.m.
and the sun has charred
The other side of the world 
and come back to us
And painted the smoke over our heads 
an imperial violet

It is 5 a.m., and you are listening to Los Angeles
It is 5 a.m., and you are listening to Los Angeles

You are lissstening
You are lisssstening
You are lisssssstening
You are lissssssstening
You are lissssssstening
You are lisssssssstening
You are lisssssstening
You are lisssssssstening
You are lisssssssstening
You are lissssssstening
You are lissssssstening
You are lissssssssstening
You are lisssssstening
You are lissssss-
tening

To Los Angeles



"Screenwriter's Blues" is track #7 on the album, Ruby Vroom, and track #1 on the album, Lust In Phaze: The Best Of Soul Coughing. It was written by Michael Doughty, Mark Degliantoni, Yuval Gabay, and Sebastian Steinberg. They were Soul Coughing.


23 March 2015

Jesus is Coming: a few songs about an old friend



I take a very long time putting together song lists of this sort. I began with the idea that Easter is coming, and that Jesus is Love. And so, I proceed through songs that explicitly mention the Lord but also love songs, with all of Love's disappointments, excitements, false leads, re-routs, blind faith, and Faith. This list leads through reversals, achievements, passions, angers, understandings, misunderstandings, word-associations, and deeply-felt connections.

To love Jesus is its own love affair; and we would do a lot better than to stop denying that that is the case. It's a long story, and it deserves all the backtracking, backsliding, intuition, and insight that comes with any long relationship. This is a very personal, perverse, and real grouping of songs on a theme. I hope you are able to enjoy it and understand it. 

Jesus is just alright with me, as long as he looks just like you.

And Jesus was a sailor,
When he walked upon the water,
And he spent a long time watching
From a lonely wooden tower,
And when he knew for certain
Only drowning men could see him,
He said, all men shall be sailors then,
Until the sea shall free them,

But he, himself, was broken,
Long before the sky would open,
Forsaken, almost human,
He sank beneath your wisdom,
Like a stone.

20 November 2014

I am a writer



I can no longer post anything of value to Facebook. They seem to stifle all expression.
I post it here, instead:

The essential, brilliant Ursula LeGuin tells us:
I think hard times are coming, when we will be wanting the voices of writers who can see alternatives to how we live now, and can see through our fear-stricken society and its obsessive technologies, to other ways of being. And even imagine some real grounds for hope. We will need writers who can remember freedom: poets, visionaries—the realists of a larger reality. Right now, I think we need writers who know the difference between production of a market commodity and the practice of an art. The profit motive is often in conflict with the aims of art. We live in capitalism. Its power seems inescapable; so did the divine right of kings. … Power can be resisted and changed by human beings; resistance and change often begin in art, and very often in our art—the art of words. I’ve had a long career and a good one, in good company, and here, at the end of it, I really don’t want to watch American literature get sold down the river. … The name of our beautiful reward is not profit. Its name is freedom.
My mom worries about me, because her heart is so, so huge, and, like me, she looks for the good in things; my father worries too; they worry because they love me and because I will always be their little boy--at 46 I still am their little boy, and this is a fate I have given up trying to escape. 

I live a life they don't entirely understand; I move in a world different from theirs. It worries them because it is mysterious to them. But I am happy. I am a writer. They made me so, somehow, in a way ineffable, as they made my brother a musician (I cannot speak to what they made my brilliant, beautiful sisters, here, for it is much more complex than a word, but at the very least I can say they gave them an enormous talent for parenthood). 

I am a writer, and it falls to us--and we are all writers, all of us--to think and see, to worry and wonder, to pick apart and put together, to--as my students used to accuse me--"over-think." There is no over-thought, no over thinking; that is the nonsense of people who neither like to think nor want you to think, anything. 

We writers stray into dangerous neighborhoods and territories because, it is eventually true, that you can't know good until you have at least met evil; hope without meeting hopelessness. It is an unpleasant enterprise. We stray to watch and learn, to see and know, somehow, something, to know anything. This is literature; this is art. It is our job to see, to watch, to learn, to know: The Terrifying Other; most especially when that Other turns out to be Ourselves.

Get close to lies and see the truth. See evil and know what not to do. This is the world of art and literature, which gives us a chance to provisionally try out other options and see why they are so awful. This is why art, history, and literature are so important: they are the lab of ethics and behavior. Do not fail these lessons because we are all writers, writing the world. Listen to Ursula LeGuin, who is so much wiser than I have ever been.

Thanks, Rosemary.

16 November 2014

Mrs Stechschulte



/MISS iz SHTEK shuhl tee/

O Mnemosyne! I
Cry unto you! Mother
Of the nine Muses, the
Titan of Memory!
Help me, help me, help me
To remember, in these sixes,

Mrs Stechschulte, the
Teacher of my Second
Grade! In the grocery
Store, I walked past her, my
Mother asked why I did
Not say hello. "To whom?"
I replied. "To Mrs Stechschulte,"

My mother said, "She just
Said 'Hi' to you." I looked
Around, but my teacher
Had vanished. Even then,
My facial recognition
Software was faulty. O

Mrs Stechschulte! I
Still look for you, in store
And street, home and soul, in
The vast plain of my mind,
Yet, lo, you are never
There. It is only me,

Hoping to say hello.


L. Steve Schmersal, /MISS iz SHTEK shuhl tee/, November 2014

03 September 2014

On Kate Bush 2: You're the One



The BBC doc, Running Up that Hill, has made me relisten to some Late Bush.

As a serious fan of the woman, I must confess, The Red Shoes, Aerial, and Director's Cut did not receive a very fair listen from me when they came out. This was a mistake. This was a mistake that I have rectified over time. 

Aerial is a stupendous album that I am ashamed to have ever neglected. The Red Shoes has grown on me in ways I never expected. Director's Cut--which one friend dubbed "a crime against music" at the time, based primarily on the new version of "Deeper Understanding" (and, at the time, Reader, I didn't disagree), and which another friend defended powerfully, though he was troubled by 50 Words for Snow in ways I couldn't comprehend--is also a secret gem, especially the extended version. 

This case in point--Director's Cut is entirely a revisit to earlier material from The Sensual World and The Red Shoes (two albums that dovetail into each other all over the place)--with remasters and re-recordings of songs that were already well-known to me, and I didn't get it; I didn't understand the album. Leaving anything and everything else behind that one might want to say about the disc (or the 3 disc set, which is the definitive option), the remaster of "You're the One" is a staggering piece. With Gary Brooker nailing your mind and heart to the wall with the Hammond organ, in a rather Motown/Atlantic R and B fashion, actually--which in the remaster melts into the Trio Bulgarka, in this really extraordinary way--and the straightforward, prosaic, heart-rending, mind-bending lyrics and voice from Kate Bush, this song is a truly special thing. A wrenching, break-up song, with Bush screaming "SUGAR!" at the end.

I wept today, listening to it--I am unashamed to say--on the bus to visit an old friend. I had to hide my tears.

It's alright,
I'll come round
when you're
not in;
And I'll pick up
all my things.

Everything
I have,
I bought
with you.

But that's
alright, too.
It's just,
everything
I do,
We did,
together.
And there's
a little
piece
of
you,
In whatever.

I got everything
I need,
I got petrol
in the car.
I got some money
with me.
There's just
one problem:

You're the only one I want,
You're the only one I want;
You're the only one I want,
You're the only one I want.

It's alright,
I know
where I'm
goin'. I'm goin'
to stay
with my
friend.
Mmm, yes,
he's very
good-looking.

The only trouble is:
He's not
you.
He can't do
what you
do.
He can't
make me
laugh
an' cry, at
the same time.

Let's
change things.
Let's
danger it up.
We're
crazy enough.
I
just can't take it.


You're the only one I want.
You're the only one I want.
You're the only one I want.
You're the only one I want.


I know
where
I'm goin', but
I don't
wanna leave.
I just
have one problem:

We're best friends,
yeah;
We tied ourselves in
knots,
Doing cartwheels 'cross the
floor.
Just forget it, all
right.

Sugar!
Honey.
Sugar!
Running down!
Sugar.
Sugar!


"You're The One (Remastered)" is track #12 on disc 3 of Directors Cut (Collectors Edition). Music and lyrics by Kate Bush. The song features Jeff Beck on guitar, Gary Brooker on Hammond organ, and The Trio Bulgarka on backing vocals.

"You're The One" originally appeared as track #12 on the album The Red Shoes. Music and lyrics by Kate Bush.


26 August 2014

On Kate Bush



Watching this delightful BBC documentary on Kate Bush today, Running Up that Hill, I heard many people talk about her music, her output--many of them you've heard of--Annie Clark (of/is St Vincent), Neil Gaiman, Tori Amos, Peter Gabriel, Tricky, David Gilmour, Big Boi (of Outkast)--speaking very personally about their relationship to this music, these albums, these songs. She is, in fact, a musician's musician. Artists we--you and I--are fans of, are fans of hers: example, Prince. The thing about this woman is that we all, each of us, who are beguiled by her, are so beguiled individually and alone. We listen to these songs, over and over, for hours, for years, for ourselves, and it seals a certain place within us, that is only for us, as we puzzle over the words and become lost and found and lost in these sounds. It is only for us; it is only for me; I have dreamed some of these songs, quite literally. Sometimes, I can't tell whether I'm dreaming or not, listening to her. Reality becomes less real, unreal. It's very personal, and it's work, too. She doesn't let you in easily; she doesn't let you in at all. You have to find your own way in, and that makes every entry hard-won and personal and so, so very, very worth it. The thing about Kate Bush is that you don't have to like her; you don't have to like what she does, what she makes. She's going to do it anyway, and you can follow where she goes but never leads. It's up to you. And that is why, when you meet a fellow-traveller, they are like family, in this very queer way. Because you have taken this journey alone, and when you meet someone else who has also made this difficult trek, that moment of recognition is instantaneous and exciting, because you can share what you've learned with each other, and close a circuit here and here in these extraordinary songs. When someone reveals to me that they have a relationship to this music, it feels very much to me like what we're saying to each other is--as if, in a line never written, never uttered, never read, in The Velveteen Rabbit--"Oh, you're real, too!"

Oh. You're real, too.

12 August 2014

SUSPICION: Warhol-Hopper-Lynchian Series of Garage, Driveway, and Grass

Reader. This is a true story.

It was around 1:30 am last Tuesday night, and as I was walking an empty bottle to the recycling bin at the end of my parents' driveway, I was struck by the light on the garage, so I had a smoke and snapped a few pictures over the course of 10 to 15 minutes. I had to lie down on the driveway to get some shots of the grass and some low angle pics of the garage. When I was done, it was time for bed, so I turned off the lights as I went through the house, ending up in my bedroom, which faces the front yard, where I stripped to my underwear, got into bed, and turned out the light.

Lying in the darkness, I scrolled through the pictures on my phone to see if I'd gotten anything interesting, when I heard an odd sound of voices, almost as though over a walkie talkie, and suddenly a bright light shone in the window behind my right shoulder, and a voice from right on the other side of the screen forcefully asked, "SIR, WERE YOU JUST OUTSIDE NOW?" I said something like, "HOLY SHIT!" as I jumped out of bed, where I stood, face-to-face, in my underwear, with two police officers standing in my mother's flower bed on the other side of the window. "Could you come to the door, please?" one asked. "REALLY? I'm, um, just in my, uh, underwear," I said. "Can you put some clothes on and meet us at the front door, sir?" "I guess so."

I pulled on my shorts and walked past my parents' bedroom door, expecting to see my mom standing there--my mom usually wakes up if a fly sneezes--but the door stayed closed. Shirtless and barefoot, I opened the front door to see about five police officers arrayed on or near the porch. "Sir, WHO ARE you?" "I'm L--------, this is my parents' house, I'm visiting from New York, and, yes, I was just lying in the driveway taking pictures of the garage."

They did not seem amused.

"If you'd like to speak to my folks, I can wake them up, but I'd really rather not over something like this." They decided that wasn't necessary, but they did copy down info from my driver's license. I thanked them profusely for responding so quickly and taking the safety of the citizens of Winesburg, Ohio so seriously.

This neither amused nor pleased them, either. Nevertheless, they slinked off into the night, disappointedly.

The next morning, I told my astonished parents the whole story. My mother's only real comment was, "I hope this doesn't make the police blotter...."








































































24 June 2014

On Rilke's Archaïscher Torso Apollos: A Discussion



An old friend writes. We will call him "Kit" (pronounced "Keet" in the European way).

Kit responded to my translation on this anti-blog of Rainer Maria Rilke's exceedingly famous poem, Archaïscher Torso Apollos ("Ancient" or "Archaic Torso of Apollo"), which first appeared in Rilke's collection, Der neuen Gedichte anderer Teil [1908].

Kit's questions are intentionally cheeky and provocative, and so, I took him at his word and as an opportunity to read the poem in a sustained fashion. You will find, if you choose to, the results, below.
Hey 
So people really liked your Torso of Apollo translation. I never could make heads (no pun intended) nor tails of the German. What was Rilke thinking? Let's just talk about your poem. 
1. I find "the eyes ripening like apples" unsavory. Don't you? It's an off-putting simile. I mean, apples are a pure and wondrous fruit, but they can't compare to eyes. The "But" seems to confirm that this is somehow negative. I'm sure you have some answers here. 
2. What do you make of his gaze turned low. Is he checking out his own six pack? Gotta be, right?  
3. Endured? Does that mean he fucked for long periods of time without ejaculating? (I used to have pictures of Rilke on my wall, but not because of this poem. I never got this poem…) 
4. Whoa. Otherwise? OTHERWISE? If it weren't the case that Apollo was such a great top who so appreciated his own six pack, the head of his memorializing statue wouldn't have been broken off? What shimmers like a predator's fur? Show it to me. Now! 
5. I don't think I can even bear (bare?) to discuss that final stanza. I'm devastated by this poem. If you loved me, truly, you'd text to make sure I can bear (bare?) this world for another fortnight…. 
5.1 So what breaks out like a star? His abs? I'm so petty, I know. (Time has not been kind.) 
5.2 Because there is no place that does not see you. (If I saved up some money and flew you out here, could you explain this to me every day?) 
5.3 You must change your life. Every fucking day.
Okay, so you're really asking me to do this, right? Don't say you didn't ask for it. 
Okay...
So people really liked your Torso of Apollo translation. I never could make heads (no pun intended) nor tails of the German. What was Rilke thinking? Let's just talk about your poem.
1. I find "the eyes ripening like apples" unsavory. Don't you? It's an off-putting simile. I mean, apples are a pure and wondrous fruit, but they can't compare to eyes. The "But" seems to confirm that this is somehow negative. I'm sure you have some answers here.
Well, it certainly is a mysterious image to be sure. For myself, I can't get the picture out of my head (no pun intended--okay maybe a little), at least initially, of the god with actual apples where his eyes should be, that glow with the surging power of fecundity, of ripening. And so, initially I see him sort of like a basilisk, a human form with these huge, inhuman eyes, glowing and penetrating, both empty and unreadable and yet filled with an unknowable, inscrutable knowledge, a gaze that looks past you, through you, and into you, akin to the uncanny gaze of a blind man. It is the sort of gaze that doesn't seem to see you, or take you into account, but that makes you afraid, as you are sometimes in dreams, that these impossible-to-understand eyes will see you and you will be caught in them, or have to endure whatever unknown thing happens next after you have been seen. This is an image of being seen by something that seems not to see. And this, this is, certainly, a terrifying image, indeed. And it cannot help but remind one of the famous beginning of the First Elegy of the Duineser Elegien, most pertinently, the penultimate line of the first stanza:
Wer, wenn ich schriee, hörte mich denn aus der Engel
Ordnungen? und gesetzt selbst, es nähme
einer mich plötzlich ans Herz: ich verginge von seinem
stärkeren Dasein. Denn das Schöne ist nichts
als des Schrecklichen Anfang, den wir noch grade ertragen,
und wir bewundern es so, weil es gelassen verschmäht,
uns zu zerstören. Ein jeder Engel ist schrecklich.
[My God, my God. Please don't make me translate this awful, impossible passage for you--I know what it means! The Elegies are too long, too complicated, and too fucked up. Please, please don't make me. Kit can read it, why can't you? It's too hard. Okay. Okay, I've avoided this for twenty years, and tried many times--I will try again:]
Who, if I screamed, would hear me among the Angelic
Orders? and even if One were to take
me suddenly to Its heart: I would succumb into Its
stronger existence [Dasein, Heidegger, what are you doing here?]. For Beauty is Nothing
other than the beginning of Terror, that we are still able to bear,
and we revere It so, because It calmly disdains
to destroy us. Every Angel is Terror.
Look. This stanza is a miniature of our poem, itself. A long sentence followed by a short: Du mußt dein Leben ändern.

And that is, I think, part of what Rilke is getting at in his description of this mutilated statue: the gaze is disdainful of us and our destruction--it doesn't care and it doesn't need to care because we are so insignificant that it doesn't need to destroy us. But he is also saying that it is because the head is missing that we are able to endure the experience of looking at the statue, otherwise we would be in the face of the god himself, which no human can survive, as Semele could not when she asked Zeus to show to her himself, in his undisguised godhood: she was incinerated by the experience. 

What our eyes cannot take in--which are the eyes of the god--which are as absent as the head, itself, is that which our eyes cannot take in because we couldn't survive it. But the power of the god--or of the statue of the god--is that the gaze of the god still remains, though the head, and its unseeable-but-still-seeing eyes, have been lost. We couldn't possibly know his legendary/unknown/unseeable head; we couldn't know it and we mustn't know it. It is a knowledge outside our human knowledge. 

Moreover, the accent is less on the apple, nor even on the eyeapple--the more I circle this image, which is not an image, but I think a deliberately inscrutable idea, the more pleasingly weird it becomes--but on the quality of ripening. They--the eyes--are becoming. They are in an everlasting state of becoming both because a god is eternal and even in the absence of his head we can sense that endless becoming and the absent eyes in the absent head that perceive becoming, that ripen the future in their gaze, for we must never forget that in addition to being the god of music and the sun (in which apples ripen), Apollo is the god of prophecy. He is the god of the seer, the blind ones, the ones without eyes, who can see the future as it ripens.

We will continue with your following complaint, but not your second point, which is your third complaint, tomorrow.
1. I find "the eyes ripening like apples" unsavory. Don't you? It's an off-putting simile. I mean, apples are a pure and wondrous fruit, but they can't compare to eyes. The "But" seems to confirm that this is somehow negative. I'm sure you have some answers here.
The "But" doesn't confirm the unsavoriness of the eyeapples, unless it's because apples are sweet. The turn underlines that even though the statue is a headless one, even though the penetrating, ripening, glowing eyes--eyes that glow as ripening apples do in the sun--are absent, the remaining torso glows still as a kind of light source. This whole poem is about seeing and light, eyes, and not being able to see.
2. What do you make of his gaze turned low. Is he checking out his own six pack? Gotta be, right? 
His bright gaze is turned low, as you would screw down the pin (zurückgeschraubt) on a lantern to make the light lower, less bright. It is the brightness of his gaze that is turned low, not its direction, which I am certain you know. His gaze still holds fast and glows or gleams in its headless, eyeless, apprehension of you. And this whole poem is about how you are apprehended in and by his gaze, which still sees you without a head.
3. Endured? Does that mean he fucked for long periods of time without ejaculating? (I used to have pictures of Rilke on my wall, but not because of this poem. I never got this poem…)
Undoubtedly. Though I'm sure also with ejaculation much of the time. We are, of course, speaking of a god, here, and your profanity not withstanding--or perhaps withstanding very well--it brings to mind what it would mean for a god to masturbate when he has a whole world of men and women to fuck. One imagines that gods don't masturbate but enact things--such as fucking--upon the world, which exists for their lust, pleasure, enjoyment, entertainment, benevolence, malevolence, meddling, observation, contemplation, perpetuation, perturbation, complication, simplification, interest, self-interest, interference, intercession, abrogation, abandonment, arbitration, and use.

Stephen Mitchell--who set me on the track of translating Rilke because I was not comfortable with what I'm sure were, to him, advantageous and necessary choices in bringing Rilke into English--translates trug as "flared," which perhaps is available to better German-speakers than I am, and which I feel is an appropriate verb choice in a poem about light, exploding stars, and seeing, but I couldn't find anything in my dictionary to reenforce that choice, and so, rather than "borne," which had other, interesting implications, I went for the base notion of tragen, which I suppose is the opposite direction from "flaring," counting that the difficulty of a near-synonym for "carrying" or "bearing" would be productive as well. Interestingly, when quoting the entire line, google-translate renders trug as "flared" as well, though when examined in isolation, trug and tragen evince nothing close to this interpretation. Google translate is unreliable in these matters, taking all kinds of misleading semi-colloquial chances when literalism is what one wants much of the time.

Moving on: the eye of the narrator of the poem, considers, in order of appearance and description, the legendary/unheard of/unknown/unseen/unseeable head (in a strange near-synesthetic moment, Rilke insists on a term that employs the root, hören, not kennen or sehen), to the torso, the breast, the loins, and finally the center, or the middle; the presence, the naming, of which occurs at--or very nearly at--the geographic, the visual, center of the sonnet, for this is, after all a sonnet, one should recall.

It is here, at this still moment, at the center of the poem and the center of the statue, where the fecundity of the god remains and endures and perhaps flares; it is here we take a brief rest--where the energy, the light, of this statue holds itself, like a secret, but a secret full of and filled with, nearly, palpably, exploding with unknown, unknowable, knowing potential: knowledge--with the full stop of the Punkt, the period. This is the first major turn of the sonnet, coming after a leisurely, idiosyncratic, almost laconic, catalog of tourist attractions along the way, and immediately after what I feel is one of the most gorgeous, and aurally-pleasing, lines I've encountered in German: Sonst könnte nicht der Bug/der Brust dich blenden, und im leisen Drehen/der Lenden könnte nicht ein Lächeln gehen.... Very nice, RMR; well done. We must pause here, because time stops, because everything after this moment of swirling whirlpool, or black hole--this event horizon--will be different and take us by surprise. Time winds down, slows, and stops, and thus takes on a sense of urgency--or is it, rather, urgency, itself? It is a place--and they are more rare than we think--it is a place wherein Time takes on--accepts onto itself, gathers--a meaningfulness, a meaning. 

After this moment of stillness, the poem will explode back at us, take us in, and perhaps demolish us, if we let it. Because it is after this moment that the poem ceases to be under our control--nor perhaps under the control of its author. It is after this moment, that the poem resists our casual reading and pleasure, where it stops being a still, silent thing, where--or should I say when--instead, it reaches out, explodes through our fingertips and eyes, where it sees us, where it reads us.
4. Whoa. Otherwise? OTHERWISE? If it weren't the case that Apollo was such a great top who so appreciated his own six pack, the head of his memorializing statue wouldn't have been broken off? What shimmers like a predator's fur? Show it to me. Now!
First off, I am fairly certain that, while the god was, as you say, a great top, he was not only a top. And, of course, as a god, he could only be aware of his perfection--though it was a human-like/inhuman perfection, which we cannot understand, and one subject to the exigencies of his various domains as god of the sun, music, poetry, healing, prophecy, and so on--and thus unknowable and alien to us, except through our degraded, incomplete, illiterate, uncomprehending, failed attempts to represent the inscrutable, unknowable echoes of that perfection, the ones that reach us, that we can perceive, in stone or word.

Here, sonst is indicating a specific "otherwise," which echoes the first sonst in the second stanza. The narrator seems to be suggesting that, were the head of the statue still attached, könnte nicht der Bug/der Brust dich blenden; and, were the head present, stünde dieser Stein entstellt und kurz. The beautiful, legendary, unheard head would distract the viewer from the details that are the genius of the statue, and one assumes that the center of attention would not be the loins, but would locate itself in the legendary head, that which we couldn't, that which we mustn't, know.

Were the god's magnificent head still viewable, it would make the rest of the now-always-already-defaced statue seem like a stumped, inert, lifeless stone--the presence, the actuality, the uncontemplatable, impossibly beautiful face of the god, would actually deface the rest of the statue, which in its headless version is the only thing to which we have access. Otherwise, we couldn't (wir kannten nicht) see everything below the brilliant slope of the shoulders as a bright, flaming, shimmering, shaming, rebuking thing, in its perfection. The shoulders would be the vanishing point--through-seeable--under the terrible weight, the awful incomprehensibility of the head and eyes of the god. We are not meant to look gods in the face, as we discussed earlier. We are lucky that only this torso remains to allow us even the access to even the idea of the terrible face--das wunderfurchtbare Gesicht--of perfection.
5. I don't think I can even bear (bare?) to discuss that final stanza. Steve, I'm devastated by this poem. If you loved me, truly, you'd text to make sure I can bear (bare?) this world for another fortnight…. 
5.1 So what breaks out like a star? His abs? I'm so petty, I know. (Time has not been kind.)
Yes, the god's abdominals, his loins, and every edge of his crushed, broken, fragmented, and disfigured, shimmering, predator-like form--a form, an extant, existential shape--a thing, a stumped, stupid stone--that can barely, and ultimately fails to, contain its terrible light.

The last two stanzas are comprised of only two sentences: the first, which is quite long, and begins with our familiar *sonst ("otherwise") and which continues all the way to the end--the last line, in fact--of the last stanza; and the second sentence, the shortest, by far, in the whole poem, which concludes and turns the whole apparatus, the whole world, including you, upside-down, inside-out. I can't help that my eyes are actually tearing up as I write this, ripening with tears, to my hot shame-joy, my Schadenfreude, to turn another familiar word inside-out and upside-down. My eyes.... Wir kannten nicht sein unerhörtes Haupt, darin die Augenäpfel reiften.
5.2 Because there is no place that does not see you. (If I saved up some money and flew you out here, could you explain this to me everyday?)
The narrator, the poet, encounters a headless ruin of a statue, in his wondering-wanderings, in a museum, perhaps; someplace, anyway--we are not told where, here; not here, anyway. And the encounter thrills him. He feels able to appreciate this object for what is missing from it; each detail refining itself as he regards it, finding that the absent head, the eyes that he cannot see, allow him access to this engagement with form and thing, with stone and body, with the edges of representation, itself. He finds that meaningfulness, that meaning, comes from an absence, an imputation, that sonst would not be possible, rather unbelievable: sonst unglaublich. Let's neologize it into sonst Unglaublick. And from all its edges, this thing, this ruin, bursts out against him: in his regard, his apprehension, his reading of it, he finds himself regarded, read, apprehended, as though a criminal by the policing agent of reality, of life. He is a criminal in the world. Stealing and lying, using subterfuge to make his way to survive. In the face of this ruin--which has no face--in the face of this attempt to give form to perfection, or perfection to form, Gestalt--he is a Nothing. This statue that reads you when you least expect to be read--and I especially mean this in the Paris is Burning sense of being read, as well as the standard sense--is the Purpurwort, das wir sangen/über, o über/dem Dorn.
5.3 You must change your life. Every fucking day.
Yes. As we have learned. I quote, here, Rilke's own epitaph:

Rose, oh reiner Widerspruch, Lust,
Niemandes Schlaf zu sein unter soviel
Lidern.
Rose, oh pure contradiction, Desire,
Nobody's sleep under so many
eyelids.
And because he is so close to me, lately, I can only give you Paul Celan's response to Apollo and the Rose of Nobody. Stein and Erde are not so different from each other, after all, are they? I turn the inside-out inside-out again but find that I--that we--are in a fourth, a fifth, dimension further away from where we started. It is all I can do.
Niemand knetet uns wieder aus Erde und Lehm,
niemand bespricht unsern Staub.
Niemand.
 
Gelobt seist du, Niemand.
Dir zulieb wollen
wir blühn.
Dir
entgegen.
 
Ein Nichts
waren wir, sind wir, werden
wir bleiben, blühend:
die Nichts-, die
Niemandsrose.
 
Mit
dem Griffel seelenhell,
dem Staubfaden himmelswüst,
der Krone rot
vom Purpurwort, das wir sangen
über, o über
dem Dorn.
 
PSALM
by Paul Celan (b. 23 November 1920) 
Nobody kneads us again from earth and loam,
nobody summons our dust.
Nobody. 
Blessed are you, Nobody.
For your sake would
we bloom.
Against your
will. 
A nothing
we were, we are, shall
we ever remain, blooming:
the nothing--, the
nobody's rose. 
With
pistil bright as soul,
stamen waste of heaven,
corona red
from the purple word, which we sang
over, oh, over
the thorn. 
Translation attributed to L. Steve Schmersal, May 2014.
*** **** ***** ******

Kit, continued to complain, even before I finished responding to his initial set, so I close with this final series of responses. I disagree that anything I have said approaches what one might call "brilliant." The poets are brilliant--we can barely read by their light. It is far too bright to read by: it is too brilliant: it is blinding. Sonst könnte nicht der Bug/der Brust dich blenden....
1. Okay, so I follow all of your interpretation thus far (I think) and it seems quite brilliant. More brilliant for me than the poem itself. I keep reading the poem, but it doesn't grab me like so many of Rilke's poems do. Why is that?  
2. So, why did he write it? I mean is it just a contemplation or did he have some particular motivation? 
3. Why is it so famous? Seriously, I have never ever been able to grasp that.
You're adding questions when I haven't even finished your first series of complaints? Nonetheless, I will try to answer the unanswerable:

1. I couldn't possibly answer for you why a poem speaks or doesn't speak to you. All right, there probably are some poems that would be more congenial to such a line of questioning that--based upon our shared history and my knowledge of you and your tastes and perspectives, your investments as I understand them--I might be able to describe why they may grab you or not grab you. This doesn't seem to be one of them. I don't know why it doesn't grab you, perhaps because I don't know why the poems of his that do grab you do so grab you. Grab you.

2. I wasn't going to go into his motivation in my discussion, and I would have to re-look at some sources to "refresh my recollection," to quote a memorable phrase from the Iran-Contra hearings that was used so respectfully and unsuccessfully to attempt to cajole information out of an out-of-touch, forgetful, old, and sleepy Chief Executive. I can tell you that both parts of Der neuen Gedichte--1907 & 1908--were a direct outgrowth of Rilke's experiences living in Paris and working as Rodin's secretary during that time. He was stimulated, challenged, and moved by Rodin's attempts to capture or express the "thingness" of things, people, objects, history, places, moments, ideas, relationships, sensual experiences, and emotions. Both parts of the New Poems obsessively circle this question-problem. And, of course, he was living in fin-de-siècle/post-fin-de-siècle Paris, the capital of the Nineteenth Century, where everything newly old had just been demolished, repaved, rebuilt, and was newly new again, again. Rilke, who was always undergoing some agonizing crisis or another, was profoundly affected and challenged by these things. He called his two collections "New Poems" for a reason. It was and wasn't "mere" contemplation, and that was his motivation. And it also therefore is not surprising that the statue that furnished the occasion for this poem is to be found in the Louvre. 

3. Why is it so famous? Why have you never been able to grasp that? I think you have grasped it, and in that grasping--or grabbing--you have answered your own question, and I quote: 
5. I don't think I can even bear (bare?) to discuss that final stanza. Steve, I'm devastated by this poem.... 
[...] 
5.3 You must change your life. Every fucking day.
It is famous because it devastates us. It is disarmingly simple, yet more complicated and harrowing than we would ever like to admit or be able to bare or bear. 

And that is all I have to say on the subject for the rest of yesterday, while you can still enjoy the rest of today. It's after midnight in New York.


*** **** ***** ******

Archaic Torso of Apollo
Rainer Maria Rilke, New Poems, the Other Part [1908]

We cannot know his unheard of head,
in which his eyes like apples ripened. But
his torso glows still like a candelabrum,
in which his gaze, though turned low,

holds firm and gleams. Otherwise the bow
of the breast could not blind you, and in the gentle turn
of the loins a smile couldn't go
to that center, there where procreation endured.

Otherwise this stone would stand defaced and stumped
under the shoulder's translucent downturn
and not shimmer so like a predator's fur;

and not break out from all its edges
like a star: because there is no place
that does not see you. You must change your life.

Translation by L. Steve Schmersal, 4 July 2003

Archaïscher Torso Apollos
Rainer Maria Rilke, Der neuen Gedichte anderer Teil [1908]

Wir kannten nicht sein unerhörtes Haupt,
darin die Augenäpfel reiften. Aber
sein Torso glüht noch wie ein Kandelaber,
in dem sein Schauen, nur zurückgeschraubt,

sich hält und glänzt. Sonst könnte nicht der Bug
der Brust dich blenden, und im leisen Drehen
der Lenden könnte nicht ein Lächeln gehen
zu jener Mitte, die die Zeugung trug.

Sonst stünde dieser Stein entstellt und kurz
unter der Schultern durchsichtigem Sturz
und flimmerte nicht so wie Raubtierfelle;

und bräche nicht aus allen seinen Rändern
aus wie ein Stern: denn da ist keine Stelle,
die dich nicht sieht. Du mußt dein Leben ändern.

06 June 2014

La Carte Blanche n'existe pas



It takes a long time to receive Carte Blanche. In fact, it takes so long to receive it that when you are told it is revoked, you can only understand. Not why, per se, or as such, but that there is no need for anyone to understand the why. Because the wages of aging are understanding. One understands. And that is all that matters.

The blank, or white, check, or card, recedes into the kind of a blackness--or with the change of a letter, as Updike memorably demonstrated, but in reverse order--a blankness, that we reserve for our older selves, because, there, it is only then, only there that we can now know that it never meant very, very much, anyway. And what could be more blank than that?

Only here, in the facsimile of adulthood can we see how it's perfectly fine, that piecrust promises can be be easily made, and when easily broken, in point of fact, friendship, actually, still remains. It is only as an adult, when one is a thing that only children seem to know doesn't exist, that one can know that la Carte Blanche n'existe pas.

La Carte Blanche n'existe pas....